The Horridness of Beetroot
by Groovy Turtle
Summary: It is purple, it is round ish, and it is coming for you! Be afraid, be very afraid, of the BEETROOT! Well, that was James' mind anyway.


_**The Horridness of Beetroot**_

_This is the sequel to my other story __"The Evilness of Peas"__. You don't have to read that one first, but I would recommend it, because then you can review, and it would make me happy, and it's a pretty good story I guess. I dunno, I wrote it, so it's up to you to decide! But enjoy this one anyway!_

"ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………."

"Beep beep."

"Zzzzhuh?"

Beep beep"

"Nothing honey, go back to sleep"

"Beep…."

Lily Potter slowly removed her hand from the top of the alarm clock, careful not to fully wake her husband, and slipped into her dressing gown and slippers. Being as silent as possible she tiptoed towards the door, but tripped and fell over the bundle of dirty clothes next to the door. She shot up, and stared at the man snoring on the bed in his boxers, but, luckily, the gargantuan sound coming from the man's mouth _(or nose, I don't know where snoring comes from )_ was loud enough to block out her fall (and possibly an atom bomb going off, but we'll never know.) The luminescent numbers from the clock showed 5:57 am. Perfect, James would not be up for another three hours, and by then, it would have been completed.

As she tiptoed down the stairs, Lily peeked into her son Harry's room. There, asleep in his little cot was the infant himself, one hand curled around the minute figure of a teddy bear, the other, snug in his mouth, and a blanket of stars wrapped around him. On the other side of the room was Sirius Black, who had been kicked out of his apartment for making out with the landlord's daughter again ("She came on to me! And I was drunk!"), and was camping at the Potter's house until he could sort out the mess. Again. And he was trying very hard, because as anyone who's had a baby would know, and those who haven't can guess, sleeping in the same room as a baby who does not know the meaning of "bedtime", "night" or "beauty sleep" can be rather annoying. And it was with this happy thought that Lily entered the kitchen and switched on the light.

Although they had only been married two years, Lily knew exactly what her husband didn't like: he didn't like to be told to comb his hair, he didn't like to be referred to as Jamsie-poo, he didn't like to wear overalls, and he didn't like beetroot. He wasn't allergic, he just hated everything about it: the shape, the colour, the texture, the taste, the smell, the sound….? And everything in between. If he saw one, James would freak out, bash anything in his way (coincidentally that was usually Sirius, or the microwave, but that has no importance), and generally lose the plot. But Lily was especially good at making beetroot as a dish. So that was why Lily was up at the crack of dawn; she was going to prepare Beetroot a la Potato, and serve it for a dinner party they were hosting that night. As James was going to be hanging around the house all day, she had to make it now, and then Remus was going to pick it up around 8am, and take it to his place, where he would bake it (Lily had gone over exactly what to do 9 times before she was satisfied Remus could bake the…..um…bake), and then sneak it in under his jacket 10 minutes before the party started as an early guest. Nothing could go wrong….

And nothing did _(Ha, fooled you all! You thought something was going to happen didn't you?)_, Lily silently cut up the beetroot and sliced the potatoes, and did everything else you do in a bake. At 8am Remus came over, and apart from a slight stubbing of the toe on a toy truck and a banging of the head on the hallway wall, he entered the kitchen pretty stealthily. He took the bake, which was looking awesome by the way, and left again. An hour later, right on time, James came down the stairs (Still in his boxers. Radishes. Convenient no? They look like beetroots to me) to find his beloved wife cooking breakfast; bacon and eggs (the smell enough to block out the beetroot), and no other sign that any other cooking had been completed since the night before was evident. Stage 1 was accomplished.

James had a nice, beetroot free day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, Sirius was still in bed, as staying in the same room with the baby had given him an unnatural immunity to noise (and he was tired), and Lily told him she was going out to buy groceries, and Harry was going with her, as he needed a tetanus shot (poor Harry, have you ever drank that stuff they give you before the actual shot, it's disgusting!). So James was alone in the peace and quiet of his beetroot free home. He decided to watch the Television.

He loved his muggle box of pictures, and told that to everyone he met (including muggles), so half of Lily's family thought she married him because she thought him insane and pitied him. But his family adored his intelligence at even knowing what a Television was, and those who took muggle studies with him at school didn't have the heart to tell them that he spent the entire time staring at Lily, he only took the subject because he could stare at Lily, and the only reason he passed the subject was because Lily generously gave up her time to tutor him while he stared at her, and somehow, incredibly, her moving lips forming words sunk into his memory, and he completely fluked it.

"Ooooohhhhhhh…Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS" was now blaring out of the TV. It was the boys favourite show _("boys" meaning Sirius and James)_ and indeed, by the time "and yellow is he" came on Sirius had not only woken up, but had jumped out of bed, raced downstairs and settled himself next to James, to join his bespectacled friend in a rousing chorus of "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!" They then giggled, cheered and sung their way through a 3 hour relay of the show, and cried hopelessly when it finished. Just then, the grandfather clock struck 1. Lunchtime.

Spongebob was soon pushed aside, but not forgotten, as they made their way to the kitchen. Both were in high spirits. However, while raiding the pantry, fridge and fruit bowl James felt something was suspiciously missing, and he smelt a distinct aroma on the air, but he couldn't quite place it. It took him 20 seconds to realise that all the potatoes, cheese, eggs and onions were gone. _(So were the beetroots, but according to him, they weren't there to begin with. So shhh…) _He turned, slowly but accusingly to Sirius, who didn't look the slightest bit phased, he could handle James, they were best friends after all, and James didn't know about the beetroot. Not yet anyway. James opened his mouth to speak. Closed it again, and smelt. One great big sniff. Then he fully and openly glared at Sirius, who was thinking maybe he couldn't handle this after all. This was way beyond the ability of the best friend; this was parents, or lord and master of the world sort of thing. Too busy looking for a quick escape and maybe a straightjacket, the poor, unsuspecting doggy was shocked to receive a sharp blow to the head, and to be pounced on by a man who two minutes ago was giggling at a yellow sponge wearing a pair of pants.

10 minutes later Sirius awoke bound and gagged to a chair _(a comfy one)_ with James leering at him from the armchair by the fire _(even more comfy then the one Sirius was tightly tied to). _Seeing that Sirius was awake, he leaned forward and spoke in a voice of determined calm _(neither necessary nor convincing when you've tied someone to a chair)_.

"Where is it?"

"Ehhatookazyyho?"

"SPEAK UP BLACK I'M NOT ASKING AGAIN!!!!!!!!"

"Uiioianayanyhinghhiupiagon"

"STOP TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS! NOW, WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"

James then realised Sirius had a gag on when he rolled his eyes and looked at it. Geez James was slow when he was mad. Actually, thought Sirius as the piece of super strength sticky tape was ripped from his mouth, he was slow AND evil.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Well, that's what you get when you bring b-b-b-bee-e-be-e…" James had to take a deep breath and close his eyes for almost half a minute before he had enough courage to barely whisper "beetroot." Then back at normal voice he finished "into this house."

Sirius had to do some very quick thinking at this. He didn't bring the beetroot in, Lily did, you all know that, but James didn't, and Sirius didn't want poor Lilikins to suffer from the terrible wrath of James Potter. So, Sirius, for the first of MANY times, didn't say anything, just let himself be led on and took the wrap for everything! _He's ALWAYS doing that._

"So," accused James, pacing back and forth, "you think that just because we let you stay here since you snogged Giovanni's daughter, AGAIN, that you are allowed to eat whatever you want here? This isn't a hotel, we have rules and regulations. You know I don't like…..it!" He stopped pacing at this point, and turned to look at Sirius still tied to the chair, looking like he might cry, and indeed, as James said the next words, tears leaked out of his cute, grey, puppy dog eyes.

"I thought you were my friend Sirius, how could you betray me like this? Maybe you should just move out."

At that precise moment, Lily came home with Harry, and saw the most amazing thing: James, looking hurt and betrayed peering down at Sirius, tied to the armchair, who, although she couldn't see his face, gave a sob and a shudder. Lily just stood there, until James looked up and gave a start.

"Lily dear, what are you doing back so early?" James asked earnestly as he moved toward her.

"What are you doing?" Was the only reply she gave as she moved past him and untied Sirius with a wave of her wand. "Sirius, are you okay? Are you crying?"

"Don't worry about me Lily, have you got everything for dinner now?" Having pulled himself together, Sirius slowly got off the chair, passed James head down (who was now looking all torn up himself), tickled Harry, who gurgled, but screamed when Sirius stupidly tickled him on his arm where the needle had been cruelly shoved in, and made his way up the stairs, dragging his feet and slumping low at the shoulders.

After watching him go and close himself in the room he and Harry shared, Lily faced her husband and almost hit him. "What did you do?" She asked again in a dangerous whisper. "Look at him, what did you say? Why was he tied up? This wasn't one of your jokes was it?" She had never approved of his pranking nature.

"No, it wasn't a prank, and don't you look at me like that, he deserved it. He knows I don't like that awful crap as much as you do."

Lily's eyes widened at this, and, with some reluctance she answered, "What awful crap don't you like? What did he bring in?"

"He brought beetroot into the house! Of all the stupid things Sirius has done, this would rate somewhere in the high middle. He KNOWS I can't stand it, and he brings it in, and has obviously eaten it, because it's not here anymore, thank god. But he can't just come in and do whatever he wants, so I said I didn't want him in the house anymore." And with that, James turned on a heel _(I love that expression)_, and stormed up the stairs, where he slammed his own bedroom door hard and Lily was left alone downstairs with a sobbing Harry and a guilty conscience.

"Oh dear", she said quietly to herself as she made her way up to Sirius and Harry's room, where she knocked on the door, to hear a gruff "come in", and the sounds of packing. Upon opening the door, she realised that Sirius was indeed packing; everything he owned was either in the suitcase sitting on his bed, on the bed itself or in his hands. He looked up when Lily walked in, gave a weak little smile, and continued.

"Sirius," started the guilt ridden woman, starting to sob, "don't, don't leave, I'll talk to James, he's overreacting, he doesn't want you to leave. And it wasn't even your fault, I brought the beetroot in, not you, you know that, I'll tell James, he'll get over it. Please…." But Sirius either wasn't listening, or choosing to ignore her, as he just continued packing. And it wasn't until he felt Lily's hand on his arm that he looked up at all. She had started crying, and her face was all blotchy. Her voice shook as she said once again for him to stop. "Please…please don't leave." And before anyone knew what had happened, he kissed her.

_JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!! Do you think I would make Lily and Sirius have an affair?! Shame on you. Anyone who's read my profile would know what a Harry Potter freak I am. AND I'm in love with Sirius! I wouldn't destroy the most famous couple in the story! Here's what really happened, from when Lily enters the room:_

Upon opening the door, she realised that Sirius was indeed packing; everything he owned was either in the suitcase sitting on his bed, on the bed itself or in his hands. He looked up when Lily walked in, gave a weak little smile, and continued. "Well, this Beetroot bake thing better be as good as you said it is, coz he's gonna kill everyone when he finds out." There was a little chuckle, and Sirius looked up again, to see her leaning on the frame, looking at him in sympathy. "Don't worry about me Lils, I'll stay with Remus, he came to pick it up, so he can't complain. And James'll get over it, he always does, he's just a drama queen."

"I'm so sorry Sirius, I'll tell James it was me. I mean, it was a bit of an overreaction wasn't it? I'll just tell him, he'll be angry, but it'll be okay, and you can stay."

At this, Sirius let out his famous laughter that sounds like a bark, "As if, you don't want me here anyway! You hate the fact that the only reason I got kicked out was because I snogged Sylvia, and now you want me to stay? Come on girl, make up your mind. Besides, there's no reason for James being angry at all of us. If you tell him, he'll be mad at you, me AND Remus, for keeping him in the dark. I'll be fine, and he'll get over it, and next Tuesday we'll be watching Spongebob again." _(It was a Tuesday by the way)_

"Well, maybe I don't like the reason you're staying, but I- SIRIUS!" For he had started humming the Spongebob theme song and doing a little dance while he packed.

"Huh? Oh, sorry."

"As I was SAYING, I may not like the reason you're staying here, but I don't want you to have to move again because of something I did. And besides, it's not up to James to decide what food we eat in this house anyway, it's not like he ever cooks anything. So he can be mad at all of us, because it's not fair for you to take the wrap, when your "best friend" is just being stupid!" And then SHE turned on a heel and followed the same path her husband took barely 5 minutes ago, slamming the door behind her, and an amazing row was heard through the house for the next 20 minutes while Sirius went down to feed Harry and watch Angela Anaconda.

10 minutes before the party was due to start, there came a knock at the door which just made everything worse. Remus, who was standing out side, the bake tucked ingeniously (and magically) into his coat pocket was cooked and ready to go. However, he was answered by a very tired and annoyed Sirius, who just gestured hopelessly at the top of the stairs, where James was looking very angry and glaring down at Lily, who, in turn, was standing at the bottom, looking equally as angry up at her husband. And with matching twin scowls they both turned on their heels and marched into the bedroom and kitchen respectively.

"What the-?"

"He found out Remmy. I couldn't stop him, he was a madman."

"You didn't try anything at all?!"

"Hello? He tied me to a chair!"

"Ouch, did he make you cry again?"

"NO! Well, maybe a little, but then Lily and he had the biggest fight, and that's why they were trying to murder each other with their eyes just now."

"Sooo…..Where do I put the bake?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. Did his pal not understand what he just said? "You know, for a smart guy Remus, you're pretty stupid."

"IN THE KITCHEN SO I CAN SERVE IT TO EVERYONE!" Lily screamed from the said room, adding extra emphasis on 'everyone'.

Remus and Sirius both gulped as, while walking toward the kitchen, they heard James' reply. "DON'T YOU DARE BRING THAT MONSTROSITY ANY FURTHER INTO THE HOUSE LUPIN! I SWEAR I WILL HEX YOU INTO NEXT BLOODY FORTNIGHT!"

Remus took another step, and was greeted with another shout of "DON'T YOU DARE!" And a very steaming mad James storm down the stairs. There was no way he was going to let this bake be eaten. NO. WAY.

20 minutes later, everyone else had arrived and settled down, while Lily served out her famous Potato bake with beetroot. Everyone thought it was delicious, except for one man, who, although he had been combing for almost 15 minutes, could not get his hair to lie flat. James refused point blank to eat any of his wife's lovely dinner, and didn't eat anything all night (not even dessert!)

The situation was explained, so everyone understood James' unnecessary desire to stay away from anything beetrooty, except for one little infant, who coincidentally, had the same hair as his enraged beetroot hating father. He did not understand at all why daddy would not eat that purple thing. However, it lodged in his brain that it was a bad thing, and so refused it himself.

"**Bloody hell, dad was insane! Did he really tie Sirius to the chair?"**

"**Oh yes, poor Sirius, he had rope burn for three weeks after!"**

"**And mum? Did dad ever forgive her for," at this, Harry had to stop and snigger, it was ridiculous, "for baking beetroot?"**

**Remus also had a bit of a chuckle, "yes, it took him 8 days, but he decided that he was being a little bit stupid, so he came back."**

"**You mean he left?"**

"**Oh yes, he stayed at my place. We watched Spongebob."**

"**So that's why I like Spongebob?"**

"**Guess so."**

"**But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"**

"**Never liked them."**

"**Oh dear…"**


End file.
